Jonathon the Baby's Not Yours!
by VandDuskgrowlcatnip
Summary: Bella and Alice get bored one day, go online and odd things happen... BELLA HAD COFFEE AGAIN! -GASP-
1. Jonathon

Jonathon! The baby's not yours!

AN/ so me and Dusk actually do this….all the time….I'm not kidding…no really…we do. I'M SERIOUS!

It's HILARIOUS!! I love messing with people….

**Disclaimer:**** Dusk and I do not own either Twilight or the pirates of the Caribbean game. So sue us…wait…don't sue us… I think… I don't know… THE BABY"S NOT YOURS JONATHON! **

**Third person**

Bella Swan and Alice Cullen sat merrily at the computer in Alice's room. Alice and Bella were going to go on because they were very VERY bored. They logged on. And started an account.

"What do you want to be called?" Alice asked Bella.

"Hmmmm." Bella said. "How about…Ninja vampire! BWAHAHAHAHHA!" she screamed, you see, Bella swan has had a LOT of coffee this fine morning. And we all know what caffeine does to her. Alice typed the name in the little name box thingy… and they were off. They did all that was necessary. All the boring mission thingys. Then they started to blow things up. Blowing things up is fun.

They met someone who had a special character just for flirting with everyone. Suddenly Alice had an idea.

"Bella hahahahha give me the hahahha mousehahahah." You see, Alice was using the keyboard and Bella was using the mouse. Bella handed over the mouse. Alice clicked on a random person. His name was Swashbuckler. She then started the strange conversation following. _**(Alice is going to be in bold and Swashbuckler in underline..)**_

**"Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!" **

**"**Huh?"

**"Don't play that game with me, Jonathon!"**

"Do I know you?"

"I'm hurt, Jonathon. After 80 years together you don't recognize your own wife?"

"I'm ONLY FIFTEEN!"

"You've been with Jenny again haven't you?"

"Who's Jenny?"

"Don't play coy with me, Jonathon! I saw the pictures!"

"What pictures? I don't know you!"

"The ones of you and Jenny at the Christmas party!"

"I don't know who Jenny is!"

"You really shouldn't post things like that on the internet, Jonathon."

"I don't know what you're talking about! And my names not Jonathon!" 

"You only married me for my pink and black lumber jack hat!"

"I don't know what you're talking about and that sounds like a pretty ugly hat to me!" 

Alice gasped. "Oh no he didn't!" she said to Bella, snapping her fingers in an A formation. Because A's are cooler than Z's. She was wearing her hat at that very moment.

"Don't you insult Ignatius!"

"You named your hat Ignatius?" 

"It was a mutual agreement. I named the hat and you named Chippy our pet squirrel."

"Pet squirrel?" 

"And I know all about what you did to him."

"What are you talking about I didn't do anything to your squirrel crazy lady." 

"YOU ATE HIM! And you always said he was your favorite out of our 3,000 pet squirrels!"

Bella and Alice were at this point crying from laughter. This guy must have thought they were crazy!

"How would we feed 3,000 pet squirrels?? I'm telling you I don't know who you are! You must have the wrong guy! MY NAMES NOT JONATHON!"

"I can't believe you Jonathon! We've been married for 85 years!"

"I thought you said it was 80?" 

"It was then, you've just been spending so much time with JENNY that you forgot the year!"

"That was TWO seconds ago!"

"DON'T LIE TO ME JONATHON!"

"I'm telling you I don't know who you are!"

"And By the way, Jonathon! THE BABY'S NOT YOURS!"

"Then whose is it?" 

"JOHNNY DEPP'S! He was always hotter than you anyway…"

"WHAT?"

"You heard me! I gave the best years of my life to you!"

"You gave the better one's to Johnny…"

"You gave the better ones to Jenny."

"I'm telling you I don't know who you are! If you don't stop I'm going to report you!"

"Fine! But I want a divorce! And I'm keeping the house… and the rest of our pet Squirrels!"

They then made there character walk away. Alice couldn't wait to try it out on some one else… but first she had to show Bess, the girl who flirts with everyone how funny this way.

20 minutes later

They found Bess in the Tortuga bar. Just when they were about to tell her about the funny funny thing they though of, some guy named Solomon Hexhawk teleported into the bar.

"Vampire Ninja! I love you!!" He screamed. Alice and Bella looked at each other.

"I say we go along with it." Bella said.

"Okay!" Alice agreed.

"I love you too, Jonathon!"

They didn't get an answer for a while. Bella and Alice giggled, figuring that he was to confused to even come up with a response.

"Where have you been?"

"Around…."

"You've been with Jenny again haven't you!"

"No I swear I haven't!"

Bella and Alice giggled at the fact that he was actually going along with it.

"I don't believe you!"

"I swear I wasn't! I don't even know who Jenny is!"

"Don't you lie to me, Jonathon!"

_"Jonathon?"_ Bess was very confused.

"Yes his real name is Jonathon!"

_"I always knew Solomon was too dull for him…"_

"You know WHY you shouldn't mess with me?"

"Because we're married and you could slip something into my drink?"

"No, Jonathon. Its because I'm…..A NINJA!!"

Then Bella and Alice moved on to do a series of jumps, hacks, slashes, and cleaves! They looked very much like a ninja! Solomon Hexhawk left the bar. Then when he came back.

"Its my ninja husband! You've returned!"

"Yup!"

But just then, the connection broke, and they could no longer hang out on the computer. They called Edward in to fix it. Just then, Alice yet again had a marvelous plan.

"Hey Edward. We were on that pirate's game today. It's really fun. You should go on tomorrow. We'll meet up in Tortuga."

And as Edward Cullen unsuspectingly left the room, both Bella and Alice's smiles grew into evil grins….

TO BE CONTINUED!! Dun dun duuunnnn….

HAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry, but while reading this I was remembering that day!! Oh, god, I was laughing sooooo hard that day!!


	2. The Evil Chapter

The EVIL next chapter….

_**AN/ yeah, that's a creative chapter name. Rolls eyes. –Blixie. **_

**I am sorry for the delay. I had band camp. (shudders)-Dusk**

**Bold-Bella**

Underline-guy 1

_Italics-guy 2_

**Disclaimer:**** Blixie: Oh yeah, oh yea, I own twilight, uh huh, oh yeah. **

**Dusk: No you don't…**

**Blixie…**

**Blixie: You really know how to kill a moment don't you? **

**Dusk: I do try! Grins.**

**Third person**

The next day, Bella came over and went straight up to Alice and Jasper's room. She opened the door, and found Alice sitting in the chair by the computer, grinning at her.

"Dun dun dun…." She said. Alice giggled so hard, she fell off the chair.

"Okay, okay." She said. "Lets get down to business." She turned on the computer, and Bella sat down. The were already at Tortuga. They found some one named Ilovebella. They clicked on him.

**"Jonathon! Where have you been!"**

"Huh? Whose Jonathon?" 

**"I'm talking to YOU Jonathon."**

"Uh, my name's not Jonathon."

**"Do you like cheese-Its, Jonathon?"**

"Uhmmm, no."

"GASP! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JONATHON! CHEESE-ITS MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND."

"Freak…"

"I don't like raisins, Jonathon. WHY'D YOU GET ME RAISINS FOR CHRISTMASS!"

"I DIDN'T."

"You forgot our anniversary, Jonathon."

"Rolls eyes. Oh I'm SOOO sorry, what did you want?"

"I want raisins. Shmiles."

"OMG! WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

"Geeze, Jonathon. There's no need to get testy with your wife of 2,000 years."

"I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO LIVE THAT LONG!"

"Don't play games with me, Jonathon. I know your little secret."

"I don't know what your talking about."

**"Oh I think you do, Jonathon."**

Suddenly, some one named VolvoFanatic came up.

_"Uh, Bella? Alice? You here?" _

Bella and Alice looked at each other, then at the screen. Then at each other again. Then at the bird on the tree outside the window, then back at the screen.

**"Edward??"**

_"Who else?" _

**"Then whose Ilovebella?" **

"Bella? Is that you?" 

**"Mayyybbbeeee…."**

"Uhhh, its Jake…" 

"**OH, okay, Hey!"**

"Soo you didn't know about my secret polly pocket collection?"

**"Your secret what?" **

"NOTHING!!"

"**Jake, why are you on here anyway?"**

"Uhhhh…"

"**OMG HE WANTS TO BE JACK SPARROW!!"**

"HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW?"

"_Wait so, you secretly want to be Jack Sparrow? Oh this is priceless…"_

"**I bet he's one of those over obsessed people."**

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?? Are you stalking me?!"

"_You wish mutt."_

"**HAHAHAHA, I'm guessing he's got a whole shrine dedicated to POTC!"**

"You ARE stalking me!"

"**Am not! I just know you too well."**

"Sure, keep saying that Bella, but when I catch you stalking me, then you'll see."

"_See what?"_

"… Nothing."

"**His closet dedicated to POTC."**

"STOP STALKING ME!!"

"**I'm not!"**

"Haha, Edward, you're girlfriend is stalking me!"

"_Growls. She isn't. You just dream that she is."_

"_Where's Alice?"_

"**She's right next to me reading this, laughing her head off."**

_**AN/ heheheheheheh, fun…-Blixie.**_

**That was fun. -Dusk**


	3. Scaring Jasper

Scaring JasperAN/ lets scare Jasper! YYYYYAAAAAYYY…I want pizza rolls….-Blixie

**Disclaimer:**** We.Do.Not.Own.Anything. hehehehehehehhe**

**Third person…..cooooolllllll.**

That night, Alice told Jasper to go onto the pirates game…

And he did…

Why is this author…ing so much…

The world will never know…

On with the story now!

So Jasper went online on the game to meet Alice and Bella in Tortuga. Except he wasn't going to meet Alice and Bella, he was about to meet his wife of 2,000 years whom he had been cheating on with jenny.

**"Richard! Where have you beeeeennnn?" **

_"Whose Richard??"_

**"You, Jonathon!"**

_"But you just said I was Richard?" _

**"You used to be Richard before you changed your name to Jonathon." **

_"When did I change my name to Jonathon?"_

**"Five seconds ago, Anthony."**

_"What now I'm Anthony? WTF??"_

**"Don't get snippy with me, Richard!" **

_"So now I'm Anthony again?"_

**"No you idiot your Richard! Aren't you paying attention! My mother was right about you!"**

_"What did your mother say about me?"_

**"She told me you were a raccoon whisperer!" **

_"That doesn't make any sense!"_

**"Yes it does."**

_"No it doesn't!"_

**"I believe the phrase your groping for is "Yes dear."**

_"No I believe the phrase I'm groping for is "Your crazy!"_

**"I'm hurt, Greggory, after 5,0000000000 years together, you insult me?"**

_"I CANT EVEN PRONOUNCE THAT NUMBER!" _

**"And I know all about your little thing with JENNY!" **

_"Who the hell is Jenny?"_

**"Don't lie to me! I saw the pictures of you and her at the retirement party!"**

_"Who retired?"_

**"Greggory."**

_"I thought I was greggory." _

**"No your George…and I know all about what you did to goldie."**

"Whose Goldie?"

**"OUR PET GOLDFISH HE WAS YOUR FAVORITE AND YOU GRILLED HIM AND ATE HIM WITH A1 SAUCE YOU MONSTER!! **

**AN/ Well that was interesting. If you read Collision Course we have have a contest for you. Go to that story if you want to hear about it.**


End file.
